Monday, February 18, 2013

Where it Began

I came across these photos the other day so I thought I would share. They were taken back in 2008 before I ever discovered blogs.  I had decided to try and sell my shelves at a couple local Holiday Bazaars so I contacted the person in charge and they requested a photo to make sure I fit in with their event. 

I didn't really set out to sell the things I built in the beginning.  I just loved to build and you can only have so many shelves in your home.  Around that time I started a new job and decided to join the company's Relay for Life Team.  The team captains asked people for craft donations.  The plan was to sell those crafts at a local bazaar and donate the money to our team.  My kind of craft at the time was building decorative shelves.  I was a little worried on how they would be received but I took them into work anyways.  It was a big step for me at the time.  Well those gals I worked with bought a bunch of my shelves and I had several requests for custom orders.  I will never forget how that made me feel.  I so needed that boost of confidence.  Do you ever wonder sometimes how you end up the places you do.  I feel like I ended up at that job just because of all the encouraging friends I made there.    

So feeling good about how all that went down I signed up to sell my shelves at the Holiday Bazaars, I did okay but really wasn't ready to keep doing that.  You see my life at the time was taking a turn.  This is something I have never mentioned on the blog before but I think I am ready as I will ever be.  I didn't intend to even write about it now but here goes.  The reason I took that job in the first place was because my previous job was very stressful and a 45 minute commute.  My husband and I had just gotten married (we had been together five years)and wanted to start a family right away. We were both 31, and so ready.  I wanted to be closer to home so that once we had kid number one I would go to part time, after kid number two I would probably stay home with them.  It was gonna be great, what a beautiful plan.    

Five years later and there are no kids.  Obviously there is a huge story there that I am not going to go into all the painful details of but I will say it has been a hard last few years.  (understatement of all time)  If you have ever suffered from infertility or loved someone who has you know.  It is a swamp that pulls you down and consumes you.  Once you finally climb out of it you are hesitant to even look back.  

Then I feel selfish for not sharing my story.  The whole reason I discovered blogs was because I googled infertility and found one.  At the time I didn't get what the appeal of blogs was, I was about to learn.  So this blog was written by a gal named Jen who was suffering from just the thing I was.  Her blog was just what I needed.  She was snarky and funny and honest.  Not to be over dramatic but I feel like she saved me.  A blogger who I will never meet and has never answered my comments ;) helped me cope.  One day she had a someone guest post and from there I discovered home decor and DIY blogs and found my people.  Thank you God!

I have hesitated to mention this on the blog because I don't want people to think I'm complaining.  I don't want you to feel sorry for me.  I was sad for a long time but I am not a sad person.  In my experience infertility is a topic people do not want to hear about.  Even people who love you the most because they don't know what to say or how to help you.  It makes people uncomfortable.  So out of fear I have ignored the little voice inside me that for two years has been telling me I need to just tell my story.  I need to let it go.  

I lost myself for a long time but I feel like I found me again.  I laugh again, all the time even when it's not appropriate.  I dance around and sing in my workshop when I'm building things.  Sometimes I still get sad about it, that's normal.  I have learned that most everyone, not just me, has suffered from loss and heart break.  Someone summed it up once by saying "for all you've lost what you've gained is Grace".  For now we have made the choice not to pursue adoption and live child free.  That decision was the hardest part of the whole thing.  That is why I say for now.  If later we feel called to adopt I will leave my heart open to that.  If not I know we will be okay.  I have found my passion and appreciate just what the gift of creativity means to me.  It's a gift I need to use and share and hopefully inspire someone else to use the gifts they were given.  These projects I share on this blog have helped to heal me.  There are some who will wonder why I would share something so personal with the world.  This post is not for them.  My hope is that it finds the person who needs to know they are not alone.  That they will heal.  I know how much I needed that.

P.S.  The first name I came up with for my blog was Mimi's Gone Mad ;)  It sat for six months with no posts.  
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